Does this dress make me look cat?
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when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
multitasking lunch
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one