Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
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Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Art by Pastelkatto
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
I have many caverns
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.