Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time

My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.

“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.

Mugger: Give me everything you got

Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia

Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?

gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind

“Do you have a flavor?”

La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”

ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING

That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family

My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?

Me: Wait til after dinner

Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!

One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.

I miss third grade.

Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.

When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.

[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”

Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”

[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]

I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.

*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*

My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me

“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.

Dad: Are you hungry?

Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!

Dad: I was asking the dog.

Me:

“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave

“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”

Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL

She was rare, like a goth jogging

#gardening

on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h

translated into Canadian

Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.

I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person

I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix

[first day as astronaut]

*vomits

Me: That’s normal, right?

Instructor: Not during a written exam, no

“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”

-person who invented hand dryers

“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”

*Checks soles of both my shoes*

“….left, ladies.”

My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Also my husband:

Me: *clears throat*

Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???