Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”

– my 2 year old

<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps

Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.

by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly

Him: I like it when a girl growls at me

My stomach: *growls*

Him: not like that

One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.

What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper

When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.

Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.

DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth

ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening

You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.

Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.

ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)

A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.

Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:

G
O
A
W
A
Y

And I am here for that energy.

Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.

Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!

Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.

We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79

One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.

Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.

ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!

WIFE: I never loved you

ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first

[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?

what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”

I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”

[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.

coworker: you’re 37? you look younger

me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth

coworker: ha ha *leaves*

demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you

me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut

demon: ooo get a maple bar

[at home on video conference call]

Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.

*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*

[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.