“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
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A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.