“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
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Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
That’s commitment
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.