“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
You Might Also Like
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
What happened to the other hiker??!
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread