Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.

In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.

eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle

adam: wow

eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you

adam: WOW

When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?

Note to self: I am a note

go easy on yourself <3

Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES

Girl, are you an environmentalist?

‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.

[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep

[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut

*laughs all the way to the bank*

*cries all the way back*

“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.

Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.

Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.

Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards

It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.

I’m fine by the way.

Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.

Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.

Me:

If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.

They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this

“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article

there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get

Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.