“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
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im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
dads on road-trips be like
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.
He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:
— where they were all rural cattle farmers.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.