“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
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[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Lmaoo 😂
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
having children is a pyramid scheme.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”