“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
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Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Spotted in the wild
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit