“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
You Might Also Like
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*