“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
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My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
socratic questions
Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo