“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
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*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
This is me
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ