“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
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The two types of wives
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!