Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
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@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Story time
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH