Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
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Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her