Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.

[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread

please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume

I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.

*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me

I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.

Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.

iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.

ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*

What do we want?

A CURE FOR PARANOIA

When do we want it?

WHO WANTS TO KNOW

For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.

😁

We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder

It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really

in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down

ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?

DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no

Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .

[meeting my gf’s parents]

gf: just please be serious

me: ok

[later]

gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now

me: I DID MY WAITING

gf: oh no

me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT

gf: please

me: IN AZKABAN

If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.

– dead people

Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno

My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.

Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30

*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05

The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.

If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.

I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck