Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
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If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Whoever ordered a white Christmas and had it shipped via FedEx, it’s finally out for delivery.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
My love language is hissing.