Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
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*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
For the ones in the back.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
I need to sieze this.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault