Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
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suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”