Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
A couple who are silly together stay together.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Choose your fighter
When you don’t understand how floors work
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
