Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
