Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
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Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.