“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
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Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.