Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬

My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”

It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.

This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.

Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.

GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.

Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting

Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.

PATENT PENDING!!

A poor analogy is like a bad comparison

Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.

4: mommy, I don’t like you.

Me: why, what did I do??

4: *gives me a huge hug*

Me: uh

4: I only love grandma

Me: what is happening

[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]

*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*

8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?

Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?

8: No.

Now I’m definitely going.

I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave

Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.

I didn’t hear “to work.”

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you say that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

him: does this pillow feel lumpy

me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me

Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.

Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub

I think they could have phrased this better

* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

Just got to our Airbnb!

♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫

i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs

The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.

having children is a pyramid scheme.

My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair