Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.

You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.

“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone

My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet

“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics

Spoiler Alert: I was late

attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin

The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.

If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.

If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.

Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?

Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.

How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.

[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)

*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.

I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.

Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?

I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).

freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door

Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself

Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.

“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.

[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD

Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.

But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.

I hate gender stereotypes.

Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.

Turns out they don’t like whisky.

“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant

My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days

Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes