Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shaking hands is so weird:

“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”

Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.

My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee

I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar

Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.

People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence

[Commercial for ulcer medication]

“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”

Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?

Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset

Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.

I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.

[hotel fire alarm]

M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?

H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.

M: impressive

6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?

11: Post Melon

6:

Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20

I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend

Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.

He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave

Me: *wolf whistles*

WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???

My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.

One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…

[being rescued from a deserted island]

me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks

them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise

[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot

flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm

my parents at 4 am:

They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl

me: *using chocolate coins as currency*

clerk: those are not legal tender

me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth

My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.

ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key

Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)