Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.

everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

[walking into museum]

i must read each and every description, really soak up the history

*after 20 minutes*

can i sit on this or is it art?

This headline is a thing of beauty

[ bad kitty ]

me: cut it out

cat: ?

me: stop it

cat: ?

me: knock it off

cat: now we’re talking

i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.

My boyfriend has the body of a god!

Or the body of God.

Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.

What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.

ME: can i open a joint account

BANKER: ok with who

ME: anyone rich

What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock

It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.

Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.

{asks friend for help with a draft}

*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’

Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”

I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.

Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.

We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…

The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.

Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>

[dark movie theater]

me: *opens soda can*

them:

me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*

them: Shhhh

me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*

[picks up scalp massager]

Me: what’s this thing called

Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher

Me: well take a guess my man

I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.

Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious

I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.

Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.

Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?

You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.

David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.

Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-

Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?

They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This fall on CBS

Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …