Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
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Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door
Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Where’s my employee discount too?
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name