Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
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[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
WIFE: So what did you do today?
ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.