Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
You Might Also Like
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
oh shit
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
In Canada they just call them geese
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.