Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
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“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
I have a black belt in leather
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
that’s really how it is
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Gemma Correll
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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