Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
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SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Those are good neighbors.
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Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.