Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
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I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Them: There are no stupid questions
Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?
Them: There is one stupid question
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.