Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
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Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.