Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
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{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Almost just got hit by an ambulance, which would have been handy I guess.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Dear Lord..
