Does your wife know you’re single?
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Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Is this a threat?
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?