@heatherjs

Does your wife know you’re single?

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@BlindChow

[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]

EARTH: yo

GOD: what?

EARTH: send nudes

GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*

EARTH: nice

@junejuly12

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

@annetdonahue

TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT

@VerbsRProudest

Board Game

10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!

Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*

10: *laughing* OMG!

Me: What?

@Mom_Overboard

Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.

@ThisOneSayz

*picks up frog*

*kisses it*

Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?

Me: oh thank god.

@animaldrumss

You may have the last laugh now, but we’ll continue this discussion later when Im alone in my car pretending to be a stupider version of you

@ellentee

You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.