@heatherjs: Does your wife know you're single?
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@Ygrene: Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
@slimmy_shady: Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how'd you know I teach fat kids?!
@SondraDeeMe: When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you're a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
@secondofhername: Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.