[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
Does your wife know you’re single?
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Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
*picks up frog*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
You may have the last laugh now, but we’ll continue this discussion later when Im alone in my car pretending to be a stupider version of you
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.