Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.

– Low key.

Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.

Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”

A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.

1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby

2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us

When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too

friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?

wife: we think it’s-

me: snakes. we think it’s snakes

I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.

Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.

rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you

fourth wiseman:

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.

When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.

Roombae.

look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on

“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.

the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders

it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first

Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?

coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them

i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too

Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.

doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?

me: does sex count?

doctor: yes

me: then no

I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50

ME: [bird watching]

PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.

A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.

Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here

Double negatives are never not confusing.

Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.