@JasonLastname

Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.

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@BasicLyes

Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.

@mrjohndarby

me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks

@mugkip

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”

@MKupperman

Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?

@OctopusCaveman

Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell

@Tachyon100

A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.

@12ozCourage

The guy at the urinal next to me must really like my wrist watch.

@TheBoydP

[Jeopardy]

Disease for $500 Alex

“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”

What’s better than catching a man cold?

“Correct!”

@Mom_Overboard

I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.