Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when

[several hours later]

KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when

how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer

[Maroon 4 meeting]

Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”

Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”

Adam: “I’ve got it”

Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.

Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.

[building on fire]

ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary

CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday

ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION

Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.

Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide

I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.

At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁

ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down

VET: that’s illegal

ME: yes I said that

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of

I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.

when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.

The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.

[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*

Boss: What are you doing?

Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”

[inventing vampire weaknesses]

writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night

writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?

writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!

writer 2: we’re crushing this

[5 hours later]

writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside

writer 2: garlic

I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”

Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder

My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.

I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!

It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.

Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”

*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*

Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”

Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”

Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.