Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
You Might Also Like
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.