Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
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Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.