*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
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Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Above the law? I’m 5’3” tall, I’m barely above the counter.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby