Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
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Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.