Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
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7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
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1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
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Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
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picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old