Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row

I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.

Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.

If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.

I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.

maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you

Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma

Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories

Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table

What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.

I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.

motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.

My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?

It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?

I’ve joined a 12 step program.

Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.

One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!

It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁

MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.

Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh

Me:…

Cashier:…

Me:…

Cashier:…

Me: yep

me: *entering the ocean*

ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?

Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.

I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.

Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?

why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures

If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”

If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell

To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.

*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”

A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.

just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping