Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
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If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Brb my Sims are getting married
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Ummm
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands