Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.

My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.

Guys which shade of gery should I get

How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot

Me: what did you get into??

8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.

My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.

doctor: do you use recreational drugs?

me: no

doctor: you don’t have to lie to me

me: yeah i know, but i like to

doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?

me: uhhh *looking around room* mop

doctor: it can be whatever you want

me: stegosaurus

doctor: hell yeah there we go

*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*

*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*

A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.

5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”

Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it

5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”

Them: Question everything.

Me: Why?

Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.

I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.

Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.

I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space

I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20

Nose

*watches Charlotte’s Web*

Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror

[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please

Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?

Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total

*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??

RT if you know someone like this!!!

I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.

If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention

If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.

IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they