Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
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Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
it’s finally my moment to shine
The Onion called it…again.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants