“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
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i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around