Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…

My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.

Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?

Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-

Me: *slams door*

I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…

Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.

Friend: You’re being dramatic.

Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.

F: Seriously?

Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.

[watching murder documentary]

Her: That’s not how I would have done it.

Me: *never sleeps again*

deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring

I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”

The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.

*adds Doritos to wedding registry*

Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

Me: wanna play would you rather?

Her: sure

Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house

[gutter rattles in the backyard]

Her: *narrows eyes*

wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!

I’ve been doing life all wrong.

HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child

Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*

*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it

Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving

Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?

Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it

[inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti

bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation

me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.

I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.

Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?

[phone sex]

GF: Tell me you want me

ME: I want you badly

GF: How badly?

ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly

i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”

GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.

ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.

If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.