“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
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Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
When your man makes a valid point
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
all that yoga finally paid off
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”