*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
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I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really