*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
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Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?