Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First day of zombie apocalypse]

Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.

Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-

[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?

“our sushi is very fresh”

*first day as a magician*

Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!

Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.

Me: no it isn’t

My shirt: no it isn’t

If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.

Probably with the other sock.

A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.

Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.

Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”

It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.

Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking

Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.

My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy

it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill

If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.

That’s probably where I’m selling it at.

*getting kidnapped

Me: Thank you.

therapist: and how do we react to conflict?

me: with sarcasm?

therapist: try again

me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM

therapist: much better

ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.

which auto response should i send back to my dentist?

I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.

[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

Give us this day our daily internet validation

I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.

Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.

“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.

I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot

So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.

The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.