*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
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Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
It is my birthday. 🥳
If you’re American, please vote
If you’re not American, marry me
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.