*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
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since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
What do you call a place where you can purchase bootleg horror movies?
A spook-easy.
#dadjokes
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.