Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
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My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Me: My back molar’s really sensitive
Dentist: I’m not surprised, it’s covered in plaque
Me: *angrily shushing him* I said REALLY sensitive
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
PSA: don’t write papers hammered and then turn them in like me🙃
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN