*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
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Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]