*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
You Might Also Like
I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????