Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.

If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.

“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”

cop: did anyone follow you here

jesus: no

cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it

1: Can I do the cancan?

2: You mean may, not can

1: Can I do the canmay?

2: No, the first can

1: Can I do the maycan?

2: No. May I do the cancan

1: No

Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’

Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.

Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.

My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back

You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.

“I’d like to speak with a manager”

[baby taking first step]

ME: OMG! He’s doing it!

BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic

So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing

God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!

HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*

Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero

This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.

*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.

Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though

Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started

Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.

Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.

I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy

Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.

Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.

Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.

GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT