Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents

My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night

When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,

I wonder to myself:

Who has the other half of my egg?

Two strangers;

Living their lives;

Sharing an egg.

Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza

We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.

The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language

It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.

A flock of dads is called a grill.

Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.

Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.

Me at 2 a.m.:

[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]

When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.

[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer

My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.

A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully

i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me

Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo

Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.

Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching

as is their right

The 70s had it right.

Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.

Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.

My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing it

I have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him

This is motherhood

11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.

11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.

11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.

Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!

10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!

Me: Okay, Okay!

*steps on lego*

*stubs toe on fallen over chair*

*falls over laundry basket*

*slip-and-slides across spilt water*

*arrives at 10yo*

10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.

Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.

Me: I won’t let anything control me!

My bladder: Lmao

{On Tinder}

ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please

I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.

Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?

[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix