Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.

game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]

My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong

The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.

Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.

Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.

Policeman: Get in the damn line up.

Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”

My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends

Wordle is trying to tell me something

⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above

If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.

2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa

me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?

doctor: what seems to be the problem

me: it seems like u should be telling me

Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.

THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.

ME:

THERAPIST: ok?

Me: would that make you happy?

Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red

i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”

Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what

kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs

I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her

The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.

ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh

My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”

In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.

yeah…. right…

The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.

This is the one

I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face

Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.

Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.