Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”

ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?

This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.

KID FREE for DAYS!

So I licked her face.

I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.

To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.

Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.

I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”

The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.

Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class

Breaking news:

“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.

You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?

Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…

Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.

*First bite of pancakes

“This is the greatest food ever!”

*Last bite of pancakes

“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”

ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*

CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?

ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month

Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.

WIFE: I’m leaving

ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more

WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops

ME: Ooh get tacos

Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!

Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.

Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*

M: …ignore that.

“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”

Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”

Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?

Calamarie Kondo: What

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.

Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me

13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.

I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.

Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible

My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat

[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it

Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.

Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…