Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.

Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.

Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?

applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”

If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.

pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.

Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now

The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation

I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.

*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS

I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.

Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.

Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there

If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.

Them: You’re too focused on revenge

Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that

Oh I’m heartbroken over you

Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine

7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.

*takes sip of coffee* ..wait

Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”

coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus

My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.

Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*

Veganism is responsible for The Fall.

Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.

me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok

HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”

Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?

Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.

I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.