Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”

hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad

“Ok thanks dad”

well shit

cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry

me: some of your colleagues are chasing me

HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump

ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen

Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness

Me: lying on my resume probably

Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*

20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed

30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed

Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.

getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver

There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.

I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.

*breaking up with BF

I’ll never forget you David.

‘My name is Jason’

Goodbye John.

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.

This is not a coincidence.

No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time

my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read

me: absolutely not

King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king

Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.

Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?

Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones

me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes

when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…

The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.

I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO

50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud

I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat

Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.