Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.

are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala

I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill

Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.

If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.

*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE

Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.

Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.

My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”

Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.

My worst case scenarios:

•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.

Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”

Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”

*sound of hooves in kitchen*

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.

We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.

me: do you take walk-ins

dude at the crematorium: what

My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.

Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left

Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs

hair stylist: *visibly pales

When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?

I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.

Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.

This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller

I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.

[my first day at the spa]

*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*

I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.

When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.

I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.

[Zoom Meeting]

Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.

Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.

Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit

Me: ok

*nun screams*

We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.