Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.

How my wife saves money:

Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.

Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?

*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*

Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”

Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”

I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?

My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach

Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.

Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.

My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.

Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.

I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.

Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.

Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.

my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*

I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁

Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.

Him: Hypnotist?

Me: Oh hip noticed alright.

Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so

Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.

Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*

I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].

Criminal Tip:

Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.

As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.

Free gun.

Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?

The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.

me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer

also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING

me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do

my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me

I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.

As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.

[After date, walking her to her door]

Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.