Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.

I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.

My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.

{The Mothburbs}

Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs

her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where

me: [under breath] whereapist

On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal

Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”

My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza

Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.

Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat

If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”

coworker: you should try my therapist

me: i’ve seen their work no thanks

Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho

bartender: the usual?

me: you know it

bartender: [throws me thru window]

When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.

I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.

Got a light

Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.

Her: Don’t you have a child?

For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons

*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*

We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.

When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor

I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.

That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.

I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself