Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes

One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.

Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.

if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires

Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.

Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.

I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.

🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.

Me: It’s time to get ready for school.

Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?

Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.

[6 hours later]

Kid: What are we having for dinner?

Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!

When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.

I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.

me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?

girlfriend: I think I need a break

me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today

[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.

The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them

You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.

What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?

Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.

Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: [snoring]

Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]

The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.

things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves

I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special

pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms

I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”

“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am

Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹

Me: [gets coffee]

News: [election updates]

Me: [adds vodka to coffee]

My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.

Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.

That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!

Cop: where ya headed?

“the gym”

Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you

“thank you so much, officer”