DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
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I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.