Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit

I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.

I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.

My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?

My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.

This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂

[At work]

What can I do to pass the time?

Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath

Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.

What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.

Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.

Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.

My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?

Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?

Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets

Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry

Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.

When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos

(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.

So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.

Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess

Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there

Me: Hey Mom!

My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time

Me: Wha-

Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!

If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.

Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.

Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.

What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house

A spoo-key.

grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER